I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
