i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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