Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she looked like the before picture.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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