is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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