If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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