he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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