I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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