She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
