I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
