i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
