You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
