dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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