lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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