no, he came in my armpit
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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