I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
