life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm passing your future prison.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
