I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
