At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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