So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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