i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
