After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
