I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
