I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
