so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
