lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
