Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
