Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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