My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Randomize
