Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
