I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
