my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
