My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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