If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
