don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
