After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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