Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
porn star boner night. come get it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
