She announced her abortion via fbk
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
