There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize