I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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