yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
