Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Actions speak louder than pants.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
