woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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