And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
