And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
