I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
