Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
