if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
