Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
