I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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