i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize