I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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