Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
