I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
