Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
