i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
