Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
