thus making me awesome and them whores
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize