She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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