The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
