the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
