You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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