Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
