i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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