i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
