Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
